My head is a mess. A complete mess.

What are you suppose to do when still, 7months after leaving someone they’re still all you can think about? I left my first Love back in October to pursue my dream of living my life, moving to uni, and doing whatever i wanted to. I don’t think I regret moving to university, in fact i have probably had one of the best years of my life. However, recently my life has felt so incredibly empty. My first love, who, for the purposes of this entry I will call T, was by far the most influential person in my life so far. We met at fifteen and over four turbulent years i fell in love with him. He was the most amazing person I have ever met and the best friend I have ever had. But, with all the whirlwind hysteria of falling unashamedly and fearlessly in love with this amazing creature, came the pit falls of love. Jealousy, paranoia and pain. I think it is fair to say that we both inflicted our fair share of pain on one and other and I do not hold either one of us solely responsible for us ending. But I cannot sometimes help but feel that without him I will never feel as alive as i once did. I have done nearly a year of the partying. I have done all nighters, two weeks of solid parties, dabbled in different narcotics and drunk so much i can’t remember the night before. But the feeling is getting old and the nights out have less of an effect than they use to. I guess after a while all the nights i can barley remember seem to blur into one. Unlike the nights and days with T. I can account the first time we shared a bed together, the first time he kissed me outside the school gates, the time we fell asleep in a field and woke up surrounded by cows. The countless time we explored every crevasse of each others bodies, and, the last time we reduced each other to quivering wrecks of emotion. I wish every day more than anything we could have worked out, that we weren’t so many worlds apart, that our backgrounds hadn’t eventually torn us apart. I wish our relationship had involved trust and endured time but it didn’t. And i truly do believe everything between us happened for a reason and i have learnt so much from the time I had with T. But what if that was it? What if T was my true love, my soul mate, my one and only. And what if i never feel how i felt about him again? I find myself dreaming of him most nights still and its killing me. I want to be free from the emotional clutches of T but i don’t know how to achieve that. I want to be able to love someone else but nobody else comes close to comparing to him. Am i just going to have to wait this one out? Will i be over him one day? Or when I’m old and grey will i still be longing for his touch like I do right now? I guess no-one can answer this one. It looks like only time will tell.